But what if I get it wrong.......

Feeling vulnerable is uncomfortable. When it strikes, memories of past ‘what if I get it wrong‘ emotions come flooding back. Memories are stored in chakras and the auric-field like a blue print of emotional experiences.

This bee caught my attention this morning with its busy buzzing and nectar collecting mission. When I am busy my mind is occupied but lately with lack of any structure and an abandoned diary my thoughts have had the opportunity to float up and around. My head has had space to just be. I realise this has brought up feelings of vulnerability.

When I had my first daughter back in 1987, I went to Drayton Hall Maternity Unit for 10 days. What a complete luxury. I had never been on a girlie holiday but with other new mums there too, it did feel like a mini break. We were asked what meals we’d like choosing from a varied menu, a daily bath was run for us and at night time all the babies were put in the nursery so we could get a good nights rest. For those of us choosing to breast feed, the night duty midwife would come and wake us up so we could go and sit in the nursery and feed our new little bundles. A great way to get support and recover before returning home.

During those night time feeds the midwives would tell us fascinating stories of past residents.

One such story has stuck in my mind all these years later - the recollection of the main front door being loudly thumped upon during the night. Opening the door to see a well-to-do suited man holding a blanketed screeching baby outstretched in his arms. “It won’t stop crying so we‘ve brought it back.” To which the midwife pointed out that neither refunds or returns were available in the world of babies and parenting.

As a new young mum my main worry was my fear of getting it wrong. I didn’t really know what was going to be wrong as I had no measure. Perhaps the overwhelming responsibility took over my emotions. I can remember being driven home after the 10 day stay and everything seemed to be loud and moving so fast. My world had become very small.

So in the now as life returns away from just being at home, I feel faced with the same emotions as that time 33 years ago. My world has once again become very limited. My first trip to Sainsbury’s was full of “what if I get it wrong” feelings. The markings on the aisles, was there a one way around the shop? I felt as though I was shopping on a holiday abroad not understanding their ways. Then getting fuel for the first time since the lockdown - great fuel economy! I struggled to remember if I should choose petrol or diesel. Again that sense of getting it wrong, making a fool of myself was building inside me.

I really love my small world. Choosing what goes on in that space has been limited by ’rules.’ As I begin working again (July) and my diary returns to be my guide, my knowing I’m getting it right will become stronger and those old emotions pushed to the back on my, once again busy mind. Just another memory builder. 🦋


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